Find Out What It Means To Me

Wow. My family is a piece of work.

My beef with my Aunt Judy aside, it would seem that more of my family are taking a leap-of-faith swan dive off the 200m stupid platform into the empty kiddie pool of what the fuck. As I've stated before, I believe that it's a sick, sorry thing when a person actually shows more love for an imaginary man in the sky they can't prove exists without the word "faith" than they do for an actual, corporeal, tangible family member. These kinds of people actually sever ties with family members over religious differences.

This is why the empty pool is called what the fuck.

Even with all the knowledge I've tried to amass over the course of my lifetime, I still can't seem to fathom this phenomenon. And since we're talking Christianity, I might as well use a metaphor that Christians can identify with. Somewhat...

It's like there's a little invisible gnome, we'll call him Chompsky, living in the space between my brain and my various inputs (eyes, nose, et al). Chompsky's job, it would seem, is to decide what information is allowed to pass him by and carry on its merry way towards my memory and what is absolute rubbish. In a way, he's my brain's co-pilot. At any rate, for the rubbish, Chompsky has a little mallet that he uses to bat away the incoming bullshit, preventing my brain from becoming a sewer of useless, baseless crap.

A person who chooses God over Family must be rubbish, because Chompsky won't allow the concept to enter my internal database. Nope, no sir. Not a chance in hell. This is because Chompsky knows that, despite anything and everything that can come between people, the bond of family is a trump card when all other cards are on the table.

Imaginary men, mallets or no, should not trump that which you can see, feel, recognize, understand, communicate directly with, and most importantly of all, actually love.

And yet members of my family can't seem to understand this. Their fanatical devotion to the Magic Sky Pixie has led them to cut ties with me. They and their friends most likely think that I'm an embarrassment to the family, since I don't play ball in the House of the Invisible Cloud Monkey. To them, I am a blemish, a cancer, one that can be treated with the tried-and-true Christian throwback cure called "out of sight, out of mind."

I'm the embarrassment? I'm not the one clinging to the delusion that some omnipotent-yet-impotent super being even exists, let alone is more important that what's right the fuck in front of you. I'm not the one who condemns for stupid ideological reasons based on said magic space wizard. I'm not the one who professes unconditional love, yet administers unabashed hate because a 1600 year old story book told me that something isn't right.

I grew out of that phase. I filed that kind of nonsense in the fiction section. I know where my priorities are: They're with my family, my friends, and most of all, focused on my son. Where are yours? Well, you might as well forget family, because you've made your choice abundantly clear. Kissing the non-existent ass of the Amazing Man Upstairs is way more important than any family you might have.

Yep, that's right. When you consider excluding one, you open the door to excluding them all. Yoda said it best: "Once you turn down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny."

Rachel, I hope there really is a Hell, because I want you to enjoy your trip there. And as the demon bus to Flamey Town rides past me, I'll smile and wave, and know that you and Aunt Judy are on your way to the very place that you people believe that bad folks should go first class next to Pat Robertson and every fucking Pope that has ever held office.

Forsaking your family is bad. I don't need any god to tell me that much is true...

Boycott 2: Electric Boogaloo

Scroll down a bit, and you'll see the prequel.

You know, I'm not really surprised. Of all the people who've talked to me about Corey's situation, only one has held the opposite belief. They accused me of being nosey, butting into other people's lives, and a bunch of other useless drivel that you'd expect from someone who would defend a heinous act.

The point is this: I don't care how you try to justify it. What Corey did was selfish and oh-so-very wrong on so many levels. He's taking advantage of the genuine sympathy shown by other people and using their generosity to further his own ends. The money they give, they give for Chloe.

Not for Corey to order a Yuengling.

Once I learned what happened, I was sickened. Here's a guy I've called one of my best friends for well over 16 years, and he's doing this? And he did this WHILE CHLOE WAS ALIVE. He took money meant for her bills and used it to get his buzz on.

How the fuck can you possibly justify that?!?

The only correct answer is, you absolutely can't.

I don't care how much stress the situation puts you under. Anyone - especially a child - dying is NO FUCKING EXCUSE to take money donated to them (and them ALONE) and use it to get drunk.

Don't tell me about stress. Don't tell me about depression. Don't tell me about how it was only a few bucks, it wouldn't matter.

I may never understand the horror of losing a child - Hell I don't even know if I'm really a father yet. But I DO understand that losing a child is no excuse to behave like this. People won't simply "understand" why you're using Chloe's money to get yourself a beer. They'll think "Hey, that's money for Chloe's expenses. You shouldn't be using it like that."

And you know what? That's EXACTLY what everyone thinks. It's not just me. I'm not doing it for personal attention. What can I possibly gain from pointing this out? Corey hasn't done anything wrong to me, so I have no motive for petty revenge. You know what this is about? This is about DOING THE RIGHT GODDAMNED THING.

Now, let me make this perfectly clear: I am IN NO WAY demeaning Chloe's life and memory. As I said before, no child should ever have to endure the painful nightmare that is any type of cancer, let alone just Lukemia. It wasn't fair to her that she developed this condition. It wasn't fair to her that she was robbed of being a happy, healthy little girl. It wasn't fair to her that she didn't get to grow up, play with other kids, go to school, find a career, fall in love, get married, have kids of her own, grow old, have grandkids, maybe even some great-grandkids, live out her life in peace and happiness and die as most folks do.

It also wasn't fair for Corey to take money given to support her and head to the bar to get himself a cold one.

Think about it this way: All those things taken away from Chloe? Corey will experience them. But he'll have to do it knowing that he leeched of a little girl - his own daughter - when she needed the help the most, both before and after she died.

How is that fair to Chloe?

This isn't about me. This isn't about you. This is about Chloe, and for once, being fair to her, and to the people who gave of themselves for her - the people who's kindness Corey abused.

Enough: Boycott the Hooven Benefit This Weekend

I'm sorry, Corey, but this has to be said, and I'm going to be the one to say it.

First of all, I want to clarify that I am in no way demeaning, slandering, or otherwise badmouthing the life, death, and memory of Chloe Hooven. What happened to her, no child should ever endure, but the sad truth is, some do. Life sucks like that. It's wrong, but it happens.

But, at some point, you have to draw a line, Corey. I'm drawing that line right now.

I'm asking everyone to boycott the Chloe Hooven "benefit" this weekend at Mel's Inn (formerly Pete N' Mel's) in Morrisdale, PA.

Yes, BOYCOTT.

Sadly, Corey, you haven't been 100% with everyone, have you. You took one too many trips to the well. The can? That was the last straw. There's no justification for behavior like that, dude. None. Not even the tragic death of your daughter. In fact, even trying to explain your actions within that context only makes it worse, man.

I'm intentionally dancing around saying what Corey has done, mostly because I want you all to ask him about it. "What's the deal with the can, Corey?" "What did you do with the can, Corey?" These are questions I'd personally like answers to.

If you do go, go only to find out what I'm talking about. Don't pay the cover, and don't stay long. Show Mel some love and buy at least one drink, but as for the benefit, just say no. The bands involved aren't making any money, so they're not losing.

Yeah, I know. I'm telling people to not show up at shows being played by my friends. I'm sorry guys, but once you know what's really going on, you'll also get where I'm coming from on this. Ben, Chris, and especially Greg: I know I said you're not losing anything by playing these shows, but once it all comes out in the wash, you really are losing, and it sucks, because you guys are just trying to do something good.

You're just being used. There is a good reason why we said no to Corey, and Corey knows exactly what that reason is. It's his responsibility to tell people, and to ultimately go down with the very ship he himself torpedoed.

I wish I could say that the heart's in the right place on this one, but at its core, it's all stone and yeast pee, and that's just not right at all. I just can't keep (totally) quiet about this.

Repent, Corey Lee Hooven. It'll take a while to be forgiven, but the sooner you start, the sooner it'll happen...

01-31-07: The Day Boston Freaked Out, Big Time

Blog post not withstanding, I'd like to point out that today is also my mother's 60th birthday, and she doesn't look or act a day over 40. Seriously. I'm totally not kissing her ass right now, I mean it. My mom is a hell of an awesome person, and over the years she (and my dad, equally as awesome) has done a lot more for me than any mom should for their kid. I love you, Mom. Happy Birthday!

It was a harmless thing, really. More or less a primitive Lite Brite with magnets on the back. A simple, illuminated picture of a simple, foul-mouthed character from one hell of a hillarious cartoon show for grown-ups.

A marketing firm tasked with promoting a movie based on said cartoon hired two performance artists to hang a number of these Lite Brite knockoffs around the city of Boston, as they had done for a number of other major cities nationwide. Hundreds of these harmless devices hung in obtuse spots in these cities for two weeks, glowing warmly while they shot the finger at people passing them by.

And no one said a word until one Boston commuter, obviously drunk on the government-spawned paranoia about "tur'rests" and "enemies of freedom" and other things the Bush Administration wants you to be afraid of while it pilfers the taxpayers' money, had a fit of panic and called the Boston Police.

What happened next has been called laughable by most, embarrassing to those involved, and to this very day, still called a necessary reaction by the very people who overreacted in the first place. The Boston Mooninite Bomb Scare. It happened one year ago today (Fark Thread).

Yep, a little green dude flipping the bird nearly brought the City of Boston to a standstill, and showed the world just how badly the US Government has messed with the heads of its citizens.

But for some reason, it only happened in Boston. In several other cities around the country, dozens of similar devices had been hung as part of the geurrilla marketing campaign behind ATHF:MFFT. Out of the dozen or so cities involved, only Boston flipped its lid. Not even terror-prone New York City so much as flinched.

Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens were arrested, and when they gave their first post-incident press conference, they pulled a fast one on the media and kept the topic of conversation strictly to Hairstyles of the 70s. Hairstyles of the 70s! Genius! Of course, this didn't make BPD or Homeland Security very happy, but what were they going to do? They just spent millions in taxpayer money to assess and eliminate the threat of a few Lite Brites with vulgar little dudes on them.

The guys got off with community service, and Turner got a little free publicity for the movie out of it in the end. Boston, to this day, maintains that, if given the same situation to do over again, they'd do it just like they did the first time: Act completely irrational because they're terrified little children, afraid of the terrorism boogieman. They've allowed themselves to be told what's right and wrong by Good King Georgie, and as a result, they've made complete asses of themselves.

And hey, come to think of it, that exposed a serious tactical flaw in a major US city's terrorism defense and response plans: YOU JUMP AT THE DROP OF A HAT. You might want to fix that, Boston. Terrorists aren't just stupid, backwards Arabs ignorant of the modern world, you know...

Grandpa Ruins Christmas

How selfish can an old codger get? Selfish enough to make a complete ass of himself and ruin his grandkids' Christmas, that's how. And you'd best believe there's video, but with NSFW language, so get those headphones on. Link, Fark Thread, and away we go...

Angry Grandpa Ruins Christmas - Watch more free videos

Way to go, Grandpa...

Philipsburg 2: Electric Boogaloo

So yeah, the Borough got back to me on those tickets, and boy, did they really show their ignorance and stupidity. How anyone in this town could possibly believe that the people "leading" them could even remotely be competent is beyond me. Far, far beyond me. We're talking Voyager 2 beyond.

If there was ever an indicator that the Borough's agents are completely retarded, it was on the front of the envelope. On it was my correct license plate number, but under that, the word "Blazer."

Blazer.

Fucking BLAZER!!!

OK, now, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between an Chevrolet Blazer and a Ford Explorer, which is what I drive. Nevermind the fact that there's a Ford logo and the word "Explorer" on my tail hatch, and a big ol' Ford logo on the grill (not to mention the two "Explorer" plates down the sides). It's a Blazer.

Sure as shootin', Cletus, it's a Blazer.

(Yes, I hate Chevy, and I associate it with people who could have walked right out of Deliverance. Sue me for being biased, because a colony of toothless hillbilly freaks drive rustbuckets with the Chevy name on them and glorify drivers of Chevy vehicles in NASCAR. Ask them to trade in that 1983 Celebrity on a different make and they'll probably pull some sort of weapon on you and ask you if you're "plum loco.")

But anyway, back to the letter. Yeah, Blazer. Strike One. Anyhow, I open the envelope and pull the actual document out and look at it. The first thing that hits me is that it looks like some stupid teenager with an ancient copy of Micro$oft Word hurried this out. Different font sizes, completely unnecessary, used for emphasis of points that would be just as visible if the font were actually uniform.

I mean, come on! This is supposed to be a government agency, a public service! Try and look professional, why don't you, so people actually respect you and take you seriously! Christ on a fucking stick anyhow! The Federal government may spend extreme sums of money on simple crap like putting out documents, but at least those documents are uniform, for crying out loud.

You people look like today's college kids turning in papers in Internet slang. Sad, sad, sad.

Now, on to the contents of the letter. Obviously, I've edited out my license plate number for privacy reasons, but the text is otherwise exactly as it appears in the letter. While I can't duplicate the logo for the borough's sad-sack letterhead, it's still essentially as-is. I have made no changes or exaggerations, other than the changes already mentioned. Font sizes are relative to how they appear on the letter as well.

Now, witness ignorance at it's best, and your tax dollars in action:

PHILIPSBURG BOROUGH
P.O. Box 631
4 North Centre Street
Phone (814) 342 3440
Fax (814) 342 5608
ordinancedept@iqnetsys.net

Date: 12/12/07


To Whom It May Concern:

####### is the Plate on your Blazer.

On 12/07/07, 12/10/07and12/11/07 you recieved parking tickets for parking 2AMto7AM on your vehicle. You paid the first ticket so we know you are aware of the violation. Our office doesn't like giving tickets unless we are forced to. Please find another place to park your vehicle overnight on the side streets that are not posted for 2AM to 7AM signs or we do have permits available. Contact our office so we don't have to issue any more parking fines. We will resume the tickets effective 12/17/07, if you continue to violate the signs posted on the streets.

Thank You
W(illegible) D. McDonald 140046 (handwritten signature)
Philipsburg Borough Ordinance Officer

Now, who wants to be the first to point out the errors in this letter? First of all, they continue to insist that I drive a Blazer. Is it really that easy to mix the two up? I don't think so, they both look pretty damned distinct to me. With the blazingly obvious aside, it's time for me to play English Teacher and correct their homework. First, the list of errors:

1. No dashes between the prefixes and suffixes of the phone and fax numbers
   
2. No spacing between 12/10/07, "and" and 12/11/07 in line one.
3. Should be a comma after 12/11/07 on line one.
4. No spacing between 2AM, "to" and 7AM on line two.
5. Should be a comma after "ticket" on line three.
6. "The" in "overnight on the sidestreets" is not necessary.
7. Should be a comma after "signs" on line six.
8. The sentence beginning on line four and ending on line seven is run-on, and should be divided.
9. The comma after 12/17/07 is unnecessary.
10. Should be a comma after "Thank You" in the closing.
    

Ten blatant grammatical errors. I thought you people were supposed to be "professional!" Well, now the Borough of Philipsburg is a laughing stock, for all the world to see. So, folks, here I present to you the letter as it should look, if it were typed by a monkey with a lobotomy, or someone more competent:

PHILIPSBURG BOROUGH
P.O. Box 631
4 North Centre Street
Phone (814) 342-3440
Fax (814) 342-5608
ordinancedept@iqnetsys.net

Date: 12/12/07

To Whom It May Concern:

Plate #: #######
Vehicle Make: Ford
Vehicle Model: Explorer

On 12/07/07, 12/10/07 and 12/11/07, you recieved parking tickets for parking 2AM to 7AM in a zone posted against such. You paid the first ticket, so we know you are aware of the violation. Our office doesn't like giving tickets unless we are forced to. Please find another place to park your vehicle overnight on side streets that are not posted for 2AM to 7AM signs. We also have permits available. Contact our office so we don't have to issue any more parking fines. We will resume the tickets effective 12/17/07,if you continue to violate the signs posted on the streets.

Thank You,
W(illegible) D. McDonald 140046 (handwritten signature)
Philipsburg Borough Ordinance Officer

And there you have it, with my emphasis on the proper identity of my vehicle. Not really that hard to make it look like a human actually typed it, is it? Fonts are normalized, grammar is corrected... Was it that difficult? Nah! If I can do it, anyone can do it! Fuck, I've read blogs by foreigners with even the slightest grasp of English grammar that look better. Since this is a Government Document, and is therefore in the Public Domain, you peons can feel free to copy and paste my template for future use by your offices, should you decide you want to look like an actual, professional Government Agency.

You know, it might help your image, what with the wasting money on the Front Street Project and not being able to pay for a police force. There's also the matters of the personal infighting and bickering, and all the controversy over filling one stupid Borough Management position, and your mismanagement of the Rowland... But I digress.

Now, how shady is it that it's not mentioned anywhere in the borough, on any sign or any publicly viewable space whatsoever, that there are parking permits available. In Pittsburgh, my adopted home, the signs clearly show what permit zone it is, letting the public know that permits are indeed available should you reside in that zone and wish to park without fear of tickets.

Philipsburg? No, they'll only tell you if you think to ask about it at all (with no helpful hints or information even suggesting they're available), or after they give you a couple of expensive parking hits and start fucking with your license.

Dirty pool, old man. Dirty pool indeed.

Philipsburg, this is your wake up call. Someone with the stones to take you to school and expose your smug stupidity to the rest of the world has arrived, and he's not happy. The fact that you're an insignificant little shit town that no one really looks at or cares about at all will no longer allow you people to get away with this type of shinnanigans. There is a whistle blower among you, and he won't shut up.

Either clean up your act, or I will continue to post examples of how you people make complete fools of yourselves. Even your precious Philipsburg Journal will be pilfered for any shred of evidence that you people are nothing but a bunch of stuck-up, ignorant, self-righteous losers who want nothing more from their jobs than the paycheck and the pat on the back, along with anything else you can get away with on the side. You people are pathetic, and should be ashamed to even try and call yourselves "Public Servants."

Granted, I've done shit I'm not proud of. But at least I can pony up and admit that I fucked up. I don't just idle myself and continue with bad practices. Maybe you all could learn a lesson from the kid with the big mouth and the International Soapbox to get it heard...

Nanny State, Nanny State, Baker's Man...

Oh, you'll love this one. UK readers, take notice, because the wonderful Nanny State you've created is about to cut off your metaphorical balls:

The UK is considering lowering the legal blood alcohol level.

To 0.00.

Yep. They're going to make it a crime to have even one sip of one drink and drive a vehicle. Granted, yes, this does have the potential to drastically cut alcohol-related driving accidents and deaths, but COME THE FUCK ON!

How in the fuck are you supposed to expect a nation of people who drink like bloody fishes to even remotely consider following this statute? Your jails would be filled to capacity! If they're actually serious about enforcing one of those asinine Zero Tolerance policies, then you have to come down with the hammer each and every time to get your message across.

And with millions of Brits having pub fetishes, that could get a bit crowded.

I urge all of you in the UK: Stop this madness. Destroy the Nanny State. I don't care if you revert to total monarchy, as long as you tell your government to stay the fuck out of your lives. You're PRIVATE CITIZENS, not little children who need to be mollycoddled and led around by the hand.

Once, it was said that the sun never sets on the British Empire. Looks like you'd all better take Sir Elton's advice and not let the sun go down on you. Or at least on your watch.

Britons! Arise! Tell Mary Poppins that the wind has changed and you no longer wish to live in a Nanny State! PROTECT YOUR RIGHT TO BOOZE!!!

Not Yours

Just when you thought that the "Nanny State" conditions in the UK were getting to the point of outright laughable, a story like this emerges. In what is fast becoming a large Fark thread, discussion is raging on about the sad tale of a young expecting mother who had to beat feet out of the UK and into hiding in Europe, simply to keep Britain's Social Services monsters from taking her baby away from her... immediately after her birth.

Fran Lyon suffered through a bunch of disorders when she was a teenager, which sadly is a pretty common occourance for the current generation. But she managed to fight back and win herself a normal, happy life, including damn-fine grades and a spot in college. But when she became pregnant with the little girl she's already named Molly, Social Services stepped in and, using her history against her, said that they were going to snake Molly from her out of fear that she may suffer abuse at the hands of a mentally unstable mother.

Despite the fact that several of her doctors stood up for her at a hearing, and despite the fact that Scoial Services' own appointed independent expert even said there was no obvious danger whatsoever, they still want to gank her kid from her.

Now, let me just speak on this for a moment. Social Services, whether in the UK or here in the US, have started a trend where they cross the line from protective to meddling. They routinely destroy families in the name of protecting children, often as a knee-jerk reaction to what amounts to trivial and slim chances of anything negative ever happening.

In Lyon's case, they're trying to punish her for her past, despite the fact that she's spent the last four years living a normal, healthy life and having her mental diagnosis reversed. And they were so adamant about it that she was forced to flee the country out of fear that she would lose her baby despite everyone's best efforts.

Dirty pool, old man...

This kind of bullshit has to stop. This Nanny Government business is getting really old, really fast. George Orwell is probably rolling over in his grave right now, trying to break through to the surface just long enough to scream "I told you so" before he returns to the protected, un-Nanny-able confines of his coffin. Britons need to say enough is enough and take back their personal privacy rights.

And if ANY government agency here in the US even THINKS of enacting policies like the ones in the UK, you might want to think twice...

In The Beginning, There Were Morons

Take a look at this crap.

And now, my comment from Fark:

I have every intention of visiting this place, with the express purpose of asking one question.

"Where are the drugs? Because I KNOW you guys were smoking SOMETHING when you came up with this $25M piece of crap idea. Now, pass me the bong, if you please..."

Fundies. They should all be rounded up and shipped to a deserted island...

So, who's up for a roadtrip with me?