Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear North Korea:

Please kindly shut the fuck up and sit back down.

Really. This is childish and annoying. Not to mention you're trying to steal the thunder of the Iranian people.

Wait your turn, we promise we'll treat you as Internationally Relevant at the first available opportunity.

Until then, though, please try to behave. We know its difficult, being an isolated bunch of loonies, but we figure even the most immature of nations can grow up a bit and wear big-boy pants.

Eric Jacobson, speaking on behalf of the rest of the world.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What Have You Become?

OK. For argument's sake, let's just say there is a God. Hypothetically, in my case, but for this post, we'll assume that there is, in fact, an invisible man in the sky with an illegitimate Hebrew Zombie as a son, who is worthy of singing songs to every Sunday. Right.

Now, the Bible is what it is: A collection of "testaments," most of which were not written anywhere near extant to the lifetime of Joshua of Nazereth, that is the only known record of any sort of divine acts. It neglects most of the life of Joshua, from his formative years up until his early 30's. Despite this huge omission, he is the central figure of the book's second half.

In this half, Joshua makes the claim that he "will come again." OK, fair enough.

Now, take a look at Christianity today. They argue amongst themselves about who is and isn't a "True Christian." Most of those that readily and vehemently claim that title are the hardcore "Genesis is the story of Creation," "Jesus Will Come Again Soon," "Revelation Times Are Almost Upon Us" nutbars. They're the ones who want Genesis taught as fact in schoos (completely dumbing them to natural science in the process), who think that America is some sort of "Christian Nation" where we should follow a Christian doctrine of laws, and who honestly believe that Joshua will return in their lifetime.

People like Pat Robertson. Here's a man who gets on TV day after day and spews nothing but hatred and bile. Let's see him in action, commenting on educational professionals he sees as radicals:

People like those who think that this woman - a wannabe beauty queen with a chip on her shoulder who thinks she can fake her way through politics - should be the leader of the free world:

People who are inspired by Christianity to create things like this abomination:

People like Scott Roeder, the man who murdered Dr. George Tiller - IN THE MAN'S OWN CHURCH.

Now explain something to me: If Joshua were what he claimed to be and indeed were able to come back, WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT TO?

Why the hell would he want followers like these people? Why would he want to come back when the core of his teachings has been warped and twisted by the power-hungry mind of man for almost two millenia, and has created followers like these nimrods?

And you're all believing in the same God? You people need to get your ducks in a row internally before you even think of invading anything on a national scale, like education or law.

True Christians you are not. Joshua would probably laugh at you, wave his hand, and condemn you all to your deserved fate in fire and torment.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

If Joshua is waiting to come back, he's not going to do so with lunatics like you people running about claiming to be in his graces. He'd be daft and outright embarrassed, I would think! I mean, look at this lot! What the fuck! How do you claim that God created and loves all things, and then turn around trumpeting his name in tandem with hatred and violence?

Sorry, kids, but I'm pretty sure even Joshua - OK, Jee-zuss - would have you all put away.

Stop ruining it for everyone else: The True Christians who believe in love and tolerance and changing with the times, people of other faiths who have every right to co-exist with one another in equality, people who think differently than you about the God problem - that's us, Atheists! - and people who's ideas and moral structures don't quite gel with yours in general.

These people need to stop. Seriously. It's been old for a very, very long time, and Humanity has about had it, I think...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Change of Pace

Sometimes, you just have to take a break and see something that makes you feel good. Watch this (Fark Thread Here):

Now that kid is totally getting all kinds of laid. Good on you, Aaron Shutway!