Philipsburg 2: Electric Boogaloo

So yeah, the Borough got back to me on those tickets, and boy, did they really show their ignorance and stupidity. How anyone in this town could possibly believe that the people "leading" them could even remotely be competent is beyond me. Far, far beyond me. We're talking Voyager 2 beyond.

If there was ever an indicator that the Borough's agents are completely retarded, it was on the front of the envelope. On it was my correct license plate number, but under that, the word "Blazer."

Blazer.

Fucking BLAZER!!!

OK, now, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between an Chevrolet Blazer and a Ford Explorer, which is what I drive. Nevermind the fact that there's a Ford logo and the word "Explorer" on my tail hatch, and a big ol' Ford logo on the grill (not to mention the two "Explorer" plates down the sides). It's a Blazer.

Sure as shootin', Cletus, it's a Blazer.

(Yes, I hate Chevy, and I associate it with people who could have walked right out of Deliverance. Sue me for being biased, because a colony of toothless hillbilly freaks drive rustbuckets with the Chevy name on them and glorify drivers of Chevy vehicles in NASCAR. Ask them to trade in that 1983 Celebrity on a different make and they'll probably pull some sort of weapon on you and ask you if you're "plum loco.")

But anyway, back to the letter. Yeah, Blazer. Strike One. Anyhow, I open the envelope and pull the actual document out and look at it. The first thing that hits me is that it looks like some stupid teenager with an ancient copy of Micro$oft Word hurried this out. Different font sizes, completely unnecessary, used for emphasis of points that would be just as visible if the font were actually uniform.

I mean, come on! This is supposed to be a government agency, a public service! Try and look professional, why don't you, so people actually respect you and take you seriously! Christ on a fucking stick anyhow! The Federal government may spend extreme sums of money on simple crap like putting out documents, but at least those documents are uniform, for crying out loud.

You people look like today's college kids turning in papers in Internet slang. Sad, sad, sad.

Now, on to the contents of the letter. Obviously, I've edited out my license plate number for privacy reasons, but the text is otherwise exactly as it appears in the letter. While I can't duplicate the logo for the borough's sad-sack letterhead, it's still essentially as-is. I have made no changes or exaggerations, other than the changes already mentioned. Font sizes are relative to how they appear on the letter as well.

Now, witness ignorance at it's best, and your tax dollars in action:

PHILIPSBURG BOROUGH
P.O. Box 631
4 North Centre Street
Phone (814) 342 3440
Fax (814) 342 5608
ordinancedept@iqnetsys.net

Date: 12/12/07


To Whom It May Concern:

####### is the Plate on your Blazer.

On 12/07/07, 12/10/07and12/11/07 you recieved parking tickets for parking 2AMto7AM on your vehicle. You paid the first ticket so we know you are aware of the violation. Our office doesn't like giving tickets unless we are forced to. Please find another place to park your vehicle overnight on the side streets that are not posted for 2AM to 7AM signs or we do have permits available. Contact our office so we don't have to issue any more parking fines. We will resume the tickets effective 12/17/07, if you continue to violate the signs posted on the streets.

Thank You
W(illegible) D. McDonald 140046 (handwritten signature)
Philipsburg Borough Ordinance Officer

Now, who wants to be the first to point out the errors in this letter? First of all, they continue to insist that I drive a Blazer. Is it really that easy to mix the two up? I don't think so, they both look pretty damned distinct to me. With the blazingly obvious aside, it's time for me to play English Teacher and correct their homework. First, the list of errors:

1. No dashes between the prefixes and suffixes of the phone and fax numbers
   
2. No spacing between 12/10/07, "and" and 12/11/07 in line one.
3. Should be a comma after 12/11/07 on line one.
4. No spacing between 2AM, "to" and 7AM on line two.
5. Should be a comma after "ticket" on line three.
6. "The" in "overnight on the sidestreets" is not necessary.
7. Should be a comma after "signs" on line six.
8. The sentence beginning on line four and ending on line seven is run-on, and should be divided.
9. The comma after 12/17/07 is unnecessary.
10. Should be a comma after "Thank You" in the closing.
    

Ten blatant grammatical errors. I thought you people were supposed to be "professional!" Well, now the Borough of Philipsburg is a laughing stock, for all the world to see. So, folks, here I present to you the letter as it should look, if it were typed by a monkey with a lobotomy, or someone more competent:

PHILIPSBURG BOROUGH
P.O. Box 631
4 North Centre Street
Phone (814) 342-3440
Fax (814) 342-5608
ordinancedept@iqnetsys.net

Date: 12/12/07

To Whom It May Concern:

Plate #: #######
Vehicle Make: Ford
Vehicle Model: Explorer

On 12/07/07, 12/10/07 and 12/11/07, you recieved parking tickets for parking 2AM to 7AM in a zone posted against such. You paid the first ticket, so we know you are aware of the violation. Our office doesn't like giving tickets unless we are forced to. Please find another place to park your vehicle overnight on side streets that are not posted for 2AM to 7AM signs. We also have permits available. Contact our office so we don't have to issue any more parking fines. We will resume the tickets effective 12/17/07,if you continue to violate the signs posted on the streets.

Thank You,
W(illegible) D. McDonald 140046 (handwritten signature)
Philipsburg Borough Ordinance Officer

And there you have it, with my emphasis on the proper identity of my vehicle. Not really that hard to make it look like a human actually typed it, is it? Fonts are normalized, grammar is corrected... Was it that difficult? Nah! If I can do it, anyone can do it! Fuck, I've read blogs by foreigners with even the slightest grasp of English grammar that look better. Since this is a Government Document, and is therefore in the Public Domain, you peons can feel free to copy and paste my template for future use by your offices, should you decide you want to look like an actual, professional Government Agency.

You know, it might help your image, what with the wasting money on the Front Street Project and not being able to pay for a police force. There's also the matters of the personal infighting and bickering, and all the controversy over filling one stupid Borough Management position, and your mismanagement of the Rowland... But I digress.

Now, how shady is it that it's not mentioned anywhere in the borough, on any sign or any publicly viewable space whatsoever, that there are parking permits available. In Pittsburgh, my adopted home, the signs clearly show what permit zone it is, letting the public know that permits are indeed available should you reside in that zone and wish to park without fear of tickets.

Philipsburg? No, they'll only tell you if you think to ask about it at all (with no helpful hints or information even suggesting they're available), or after they give you a couple of expensive parking hits and start fucking with your license.

Dirty pool, old man. Dirty pool indeed.

Philipsburg, this is your wake up call. Someone with the stones to take you to school and expose your smug stupidity to the rest of the world has arrived, and he's not happy. The fact that you're an insignificant little shit town that no one really looks at or cares about at all will no longer allow you people to get away with this type of shinnanigans. There is a whistle blower among you, and he won't shut up.

Either clean up your act, or I will continue to post examples of how you people make complete fools of yourselves. Even your precious Philipsburg Journal will be pilfered for any shred of evidence that you people are nothing but a bunch of stuck-up, ignorant, self-righteous losers who want nothing more from their jobs than the paycheck and the pat on the back, along with anything else you can get away with on the side. You people are pathetic, and should be ashamed to even try and call yourselves "Public Servants."

Granted, I've done shit I'm not proud of. But at least I can pony up and admit that I fucked up. I don't just idle myself and continue with bad practices. Maybe you all could learn a lesson from the kid with the big mouth and the International Soapbox to get it heard...