Sunday, February 07, 2010

Wait, What?!? Aquaman vs. Sailor Moon

It started as a thought while hanging out with Jill. She goes on and on about Sailor Moon, and me with my comic book senses trying to find a funny way of making a point about that little black eye on the face of Anime. Onto my Facebook went the following status change, and here it is with the comments that followed, up until just now:

Eric Jacobson:
Aquaman could totally kick Sailor Moon's ass...

Jill Saupp:
prove it

Eric Jacobson:
Aquaman is bigger, blonder, can exist both on land and in the sea, and while his animals might not talk, he's not limited to just cats.

His equivalent "Sailor Scouts" include Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, The Flash, Wonder Woman, The Martian Manhunter, Booster Gold (the closest thing to a Sailor Scout the JLA* has, really)... Plus dozens more, all interchangeable depending on the situation, and with far greater powers than any Sailor Scout. None of this building a single (or sometimes multiple) creature out of some silly thing or another. Fucking SUPERMAN! Those hos best have his money, now!

His has a son as opposed to a daughter, and this boy is just like his father, only a little more edgy. HIS running crew includes such names as Robin, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, Starfire, Jericho... With the same results as Dad's posse. Not that Gender dictates in either situation, just pointing it out.

No masks or secret identities for Aquaman. Aquaman is Aquaman. Aquaman IS. And while it's cool that Usagi and crew are from Japan, Aquaman is from motherfucking ATLANTIS. Hellz yeah!

His villains are far more kickass than anything the Sailor Senshi have ever faced, though maybe fewer in number. These include his own brother, as well as feared Legion of Doom member Black Manta. Hell yes, Black Manta! I mean, come on! It doesn't get more badass than the Legion of motherfucking Doom. Black Manta isn't going to waste time during sophisticated transformation and power-up sequences with his thumb up his underwater ass, no way no how. Makos FTW.

What does Tuxedo Mask do, spin around in his cape and fling roses? Sailor Moon and her pack of teeny boppers spend five minutes transforming or powering up? In that time, all would become McNuggets to a very large sea creature, no-nonsense right freakin' now. Aquaman just thinks - not says, thinks - "Hey, snack over there" while Usagi is wearing a one-piece made of pure light because the American Censors won't let her show her naughty bits...

You tell me who's going to win that exchange. My money's on the swarm of giant squid he just telepathized into your face...

Aquaman is more or less the laughing stock of the DC universe. And yet yes, even he can trump Sailor Moon, if only by virtue of his Saturday Morning and Comic Book ties to the Man of Steel alone. It's all who you know. While she may be Queen of the Moon, he is King of the Ocean, with the power to command all of the sea's creatures in the fight for good. In a head to head showdown, sorry, Jill: Aquaman, by unanimous decision. Ring the bell...
Oh yeah. Score one for the king of the DC Heroes who has actual powers, yet isn't as awesome as regular-guy-with-assload-of-cash Batman. Hold your head high, Aquaman! On this day, you're the better blonde...

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