Get Off My Fucking Lawn

That title? Sing it to the tune of the high-note "I Want My MTV" line from near the end of Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing." Yeah. Fits, doesn't it.

And hey, speaking of the former most awesome network ever, lookie here at what transpired at the once-vaunted and now-comical "Video Music" Awards:

Once upon a time, there was a video of Kanye crashing the stage here. But MTV is a bunch of douches, as I'll speak on in a minute. I can't find a postable video anywhere right now.

First of all: MTV hasn't been MTV for years. What was once Music Television is now just Television du Craptastique. Music Videos have been relegated to expensive digital-only sister networks or the wee hours of the morning on basic cable. Once, the Music Video stood as a proud artistic expression platform, broadcast 24 hours a day, seven days a week, thus justifying an awards ceremony like the VMAs. Those halcyon days - much to the dismay of Generation Xers (and up) like me everywhere - are long since gone.

If you don't really have music videos anymore, why have a Video Music Awards?

Second of all: This just in from Ric Romero - Kanye West is officially a bigger douchebag than Simon Cowell, Hitler, Pol Pot, and Glenn Beck combined. In fact, I'm gonna say that, even though we're only 9 years into it, Kanye has officially locked up the Douchebag of the 21st Century title. And this is taking George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, AND Bernie Madoff into account.

Whoever the fuck Kanye West thinks he is, he honest and for-truly isn't, by any stretch of the LSD-expanded imagination.

We're talking about a man who says his biggest regret is 'never being able to see [himself] perform live.' Hey Kanye, I'll do you a favor and tell you what I think of your live performances, few of them that I've seen: YOU'RE NOTHING SPECIAL TO WATCH, JACKHOLE.

I highly doubt that Beyonce appreciated what Kanye did at all, given the fact that she invited Taylor Swift up on stage with her later that evening. If you ask me, she looked pretty fucking embarrassed. Nice job, there, you fucking egomaniac.

Hey Kanye, I hate to say it, but this industry won't need you for much longer. It most certainly doesn't see you as the great you seem to think you are, bucco. You're a dime-a-dozen pop entertainer with nothing special to offer, other than a seemingly in-born ability to act like a colossal asshat and generate controversy as a result.

There's nothing special about your music. You've built your career on the backs of other artists (Daft Punk and Shirley Bassey come to mind) and aren't really all that fit to even stand in the shadows of entertainers like Marvin Gaye, Issac Hayes, Barry White, George Clinton, Tupac Shakur, Smokey Robinson, early solo Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie - fuck, even ROCKWELL got Jacko to sing backups for him. Where's your pull?

Funny - Rockwell makes more money now with "Somebody's Watching Me" being in all those Geico commercials, while nobody's really doing anything with your music.

Hey Kanye: Do us all a favor and go the hell away. Take your over-inflated, self-serving ego out into the desert - where it can't choke the life and respect out of anything around you - and do some soul searching. You're quickly becoming less famous for your music and more famous for the fact that you're a blithering sot.

Much as I don't really care for Taylor Swift, you seriously owe both her and Beyonce Knowles a couple of apologies the size of your head - which is exponentially artificially enlarged. After that, be gone with you, and never return to these lands...