Karaoke Contest 2: Electric Boogaloo

So yeah. Remember last year, when I got ripped off by a single judge because I wasn't female?

This year, not so much.

The first semifinal of the 2nd annual Karaoke Contest at the Moshannon Valley Super Bowl was last night. And wouldn't you know it, both of last year's winners - Autumn and Mike - were competing alongside me for the coveted three spots in the finals (the other three will be decided this coming Friday).

And in a not-so-stunning non-upset, BOTH WENT HOME.

That's right: I made it, they didn't. Or to be more specific:

AUTUMN WENT HOME.

That's called Karma. Autumn, while talented, did NOT best me either night. The first time, she got lucky because one judge wanted a female to go on to New York. This time, Autumn didn't have that safety net. She was judged on what she was supposed to be judged on (unlike last time), and she got the final answer: Sorry, honey. You're just not good enough to beat me in a fair fight.

Your decision to compete last night sealed your fate: There were way too many talented people in the field for you to even think you'd have a chance. Honestly, you would have fared better had you waited til next week. That's what Tim did: He took one look at the field for this week and said "Holy crap, not good, I gotta change up."

I have a feeling that's why Tim - who has been a most awesome friend of mine since way back in elementary school - will be joining me in the finals. I know I'm going to cheer him on this coming Friday.

And what the hell were you thinking?!? Jill had already sang "What's Up," and I might add, she did it a hell of alot better than you did! That decision right there only added an extra nail to the coffin. You sounded like a copycat: Especially given how many times you went up to Rhett's table to (apparently) consider a replacement song (three by my count)!

I can blame my apparent failure last year on a judge. This year, you can only blame your failure on yourself.

Me? I came in third last night, so I have some work to do. I wasn't expecting this Michelle girl to come out of nowhere and dominate the evening! And I had declared Tim's friend Barb a dark hourse after her warm-up performance, and I was right - she came in second! Congrats to both ladies on fine performances!

See? I'm not a conceited douchenozzel, am I!

But seriously: I've got my work cut out for me for next week. A straight performance simply won't be enough. Last night's two-for of power ("Fat Bottomed Girls" and "Come Sail Away") was good, and I had a ton of fun doing it, but it lacked something. I think I know what that something is, and I think I know how to correct it. So, for the next 14 days, it's practice time.

Meanwhile, I present the table's general concensus on what you have to do next time:

1) Branch out. Find some new songs. I have yet to do a single song I've done in this competition twice, and that includes songs I did last year. A good variety is the spice of life! Don't stay in your comfort zone, grow a pair and try new songs.

2) Ditch Homie. That advice goes for the rest of $9 Porno as well: You guys are awesome musically, but you need a new singer. Seriously.

3) Don't Copy. Also, don't do "Rapper's Delight." As we discovered last night, that song is tantamount to Contest Suicide.

4) RickRoll the crowd. I did, and from that moment on, I had lots of fun. Fun, in the end, is what it's all about.

OK, it's about fun, but its also about the difference between $500 cash money and a $100 gift certificate to the bowling alley. Daddy needs a new XBox 360, so Daddy wants cold hard Benjamins. All five of 'em...